so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
