I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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