If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Randomize
