oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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