Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I faked an abortion last night.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
