I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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