she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?