It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
