last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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