Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
