Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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