Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
