There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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