i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
