i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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