Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Be still, my beating vagina.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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