i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
