You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
