My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
