im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
