Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
