So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
