I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
