Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
