Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
