just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
