so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
