he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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