my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
