You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
