My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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