Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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