i wish my penis had a tongue
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
