took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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