I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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