I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
