Porn is love you can see.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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