I accidentally burped into my bong.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
