dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
All I want is dick and wine.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
