i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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