It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
