Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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