What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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