she woke up with a sticky ear
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
