she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
