if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
