Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
