i was born a porn star she said
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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