Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
