he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
