I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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