quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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