the condom got lost in my hair
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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