The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
