so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
