Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Me too!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Randomize
