I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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