haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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