do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
