There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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