doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
